Well shit...I never expected today to go the way it did. Its crazy how someone can make a lot of sense with only a general idea of what is going on in my life. A friend told me today "when you get over it sometimes you realize its smaller then what it seemed at first, and you 2 will laugh about it later, but if you tell people it gives them a sour thought about him and then they don't like him." And she hardly knows anything about what I'm experiencing, but summed it up so fast I was shocked. It's SOO TRUE. Venting does actually give off a negative impression. I guess I don't speak on the positive enough. Im not making excuses either. We have a rough past, we have a lot of work. No relationship is all cupcakes and lollipops. But just cause Im sad about stuff, doesn't mean I want to tell the world, or even my closest friends. If I don't feel like it, I just don't feel like it. It's nothing against anyone. On my time, when I feel like I am ready to talk about things, I will, and If I never do, It should be understood.
This military life, even though its barely the beginning, is difficult, and to be honest, Its not going to get any easier. But I chose to live it with my hubby. So I will do just that. Sometimes I will feel alone, especially after I move away from friends and family. I will have to make new friends, and Im not against that, but never have I ever said I was going to leave the ones I have now behind. I am excited for the journey that lies ahead. In fact I cant wait. Im ready for a change of scenery, and a new experience, SO READY! I realize for weeks maybe months, and hopefully never but years we could be apart because of the military, whether its for training, or deployment it is going to be rough. Not many will understand what I'm about to be going through. Accept military spouses/personel who have been through it. There will be good times, scary times, and sad times. But I chose to venture on this journey with my husband and/or daughters father. Because I love him, I support him, and I am DAMN proud of him. He doing what many don't and wont. Its hard on the both of us. And were learning as we are going.
In the past two weeks SO MUCH has happened. Not just with my hubby. What I went through last night had A LOT to do with the loss of my boss, tied in with tiny tidbits of other things that are just happening. Overwhelmed and shit. IT HAPPENS! Its called life. I pray to god every night for the people Im closest to. And some have NO IDEA I pray for them. No, NONE do. Not a single person, because I've changed in the past few months. I've grown up. A LOT! Im def not the same person I was. And Im def just fine with that.
When Im really sad and depressed, horribly negative thoughts fill my head I cant help it, Its like do you really expect me to be all, OH FUCK IM THE SHIT, when all the hormones and extra shit are being released in my system causing the negativity. My god. If I cut people off, its because they expect to much of me, and I don't meet their expectations, sorry but I will be forever changing as I grow old.
Im glad today is over, the hubby had a pretty crappy day at AIT, He's got a huge final friday, and another huge exam next wednesday. The pressure is on. So I don't think I'll be talking to him much besides wishing him luck, and sending positive vibes to him. He has hardcore studying to do, He has to pass or he'll get recycled, and I really will lose it if I have to be away and extra 2 months.
I love my husband. With all my heart. I love our daughter. I love the family that we have created.
My love is real,
& he knows it <3
With that said I'm out. Gonna go make some bows! (: